Looks like fall has passed and we are headed into winter. I still went down to the shore on my recent trip for work... hearing the waves brings me peace.

I have been accepted to my graduate school program. I will have my masters degree in 2 years if all goes as scheduled. Marching forward! It feels good to pick the mountain and start climbing it.

Hubby is also on the move. He has a doctor appointment scheduled this week to review the sleep study results. I'm going with him and he has agreed that he wants me there to discuss the depression thing as well. We will also be covering his ongoing heartburn issues. I'm so relieved. Getting care when you need it is huge... we are blessed to be insured.

I have a doctor appointment as well -- what the heck, why not kill two birds with one stone? I'm having some issues and need to follow up on my blood clot incident this summer. My holter monitor tests were fine. Perhaps I have anxiety? I'm waking hourly each night... I hope things will simmer down. I know we have come so far since last year... I like to think the darker hours are behind us.

Wonder Boy is doing a bit better -- not quite as much of a zombie. I think he may need his medication adjusted a bit more... but he seems much more hopeful and is really trying in school. Super Girl is well; she is happy as long as we get her to school early so that she has her social hour!

So, I as close on a more optimistic note today... please continue to pray for my father for good test results. The bright side is that if it is prostate cancer at least this is considered one of the more treatable cancers... unlike my mothers where the odds were pretty much stacked against her from the start. One day at a time... this too shall pass!

Again I ask...

I am afraid.

I hate fear. I hate that I can not control life. I have tried to go with the flow... but my nature is to take charge and fix things when they are broken. Problems that I can't control sometimes make me crazy.

My Dad has informed me he had an elevated PSA test and that he goes back for another test next week. If it is still elevated he will have a biopsy. His risk factors for prostate cancer are increased due to his brother battling this cancer and due to his age (70 is the new 60 don't you know!).

I am sending up my prayers (yes, I said the rosary this morning after getting this news). It is comforting to me to say a rosary... the repetition and reflections take my mind off of my earthly worries... I am lifted up in the prayers I lift up for others... in this case for my Dad.

If you could please take a moment to life him up in prayer it would be appreciated more than words can express. We have been down the cancer road with my mother and I tremble just typing the word.

Since losing my mother my father has become a rock in my life. I love him more than ever and appreciate his wisdom more than any other time in my life. I always knew he was brilliant, I just never appreciated it. I appreciate it now. I appreciate his approval and pride in my hard work. I appreciate that he is happy with how I'm raising my kids. I appreciate that he approves because I think he and my mom did SUCH a great job with us. If I have have the patience and wisdom I am a wealthy woman indeed!

Wow, this was not the blog post I thought I'd be writing today.

So yes, back to the purpose of this post... please pray for my Dad. I thank you in advance!

Depression to hope?

"Depression.... it hurts everyone." I fell like I am living this cliched commercial.

Hubby has been fighting depression for a while. He has been working for the past year -- overnight the first half, and now in a day job which does not appear to be offering as much room for advancement (professional AND financial) as described in the interviews. Hubby is now a functional depressive -- he performs well at work and then stumbles through life at home. He sleeps so much we had him evaluated at a sleep clinic (he has some sleep apnea, not severe). If you didn't know, sleep can be an indicator of depression. When my depression is at it's worst I'm all about taking naps. Hubby has fallen into this ugly cycle.

So, we had him evaluated for sleep issues and now we have come to face the truth this week that the issue is depression and not so much sleep. I suspected as much but pushed for the sleep evaluation in order to rule sleep out as an issue.

In talking to Hubby deeper on the subject I came to realize that he does not remember life before depression. He was trapped in the dying family business for so long. He tried to keep his parents afloat while we sank. He tried to keep the business alive that he was to inherit. And, in this state's economy we watched it die. During all of this he had to deal with ME and my health issues, pain, stroke, surgery, migraines, depression, and blood clots. He has had to deal with me working full time while attending school. He had to deal with his mother's endless hospitalizations. He had to deal with his depressed father who WOULD NOT face reality. He had to deal with the death of my mother -- whom he loved most likely more than his own mother. The rough patch has lasted about 7 years.

I do not wonder WHY hubby is depressed.

I wonder why it took me so long to stop making excuses for it. I kept telling myself "It will get better now that his resume is done." Or, "It will be better now that he is interviewing" or "It will be better now that he got the job" or "It will be better once he finishes training" or "It will be better when his sleep is fixed."

It didn't get better.

I told him he is not himself, that he has not been himself in a REALLY long time. I remember who he is, and he is NOT himself right now. He admitted he does not remember what it is like NOT to drag himself through the day. He does not remember what it is like to feel ambition, optimism, and satisfaction. He does not remember what it is like to be hopeful about the future. Sure, we are buried in debt, but that is no reason to be without any hope. We have a good life. He is missing out. He does not remember what it was like before he was depressed. If you have not been there, this is a major indicator that this is not a minor depression. This is a deep depression that requires help. Not my help, professional help.

He agrees he needs more help than a pill from our primary care physician. He is agreeable to me going with him to the doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. He has been depressed for so long that medication will need to be part of getting back on track. The medication that he is on is not doing the trick. I know that depression can be helped. I know it is a chemical imbalance in your system at times. I know that Hubby isn't good about calling our doctor to say "I don't think I'm better."

Treating deep depression means trying things and working through dosage adjustments. It will mean going back every 4 weeks until he feels good -- not settling for "better."

Better sucks.

Better means he doesn't wish he was dead. Better is not good enough. He needs to feel good about the good in his life and to have the drive to work toward goals. Heck, he needs the drive to set goals. He needs the drive to start over in a career midlife -- yeah, it sucks, but get over it and move on! The time for mourning is over. He agrees and wants help. After our discussions he realizes that our primary care physician is not the solution. He needs a doctor who's main job is helping with depression. He needs a doctor who says -- "Come back in 3 weeks and we will see how you are doing." Our doctor says "Call me if you don't feel better." For Hubby, this is not good enough. He doesn't realize he isn't better because he is so depressed he just sleep walks through his existence. He does not know what better is.

I'm so glad he agrees this is part of the issue and is willing to see the doctor for a referral. I'm glad he is now willing to talk about the issue. I am glad that he sees that this is not a good way to life. I'm glad he wants to get to the point of hoping again. I already see a hint of the spark in his eyes as he talks about working through the process of getting better. He is joking a little more. He is trying... I am proud of him.

Depression DOES hurt everyone around you.

If you think you are depressed, please get help. My husband's depression has been killing me slowly... it has hurt his relationship with the kids because he barks at them without realizing it. This too shall pass and can be mended, but he didn't see it until I forced the issue. I made it visible. It was hard and took a toll on me. It isn't comfortable telling the one you love that they are killing you. It isn't comfortable telling someone that their lack of motivation is bringing your blood pressure up.

It was not fun... but I'm glad I did because he is FINALLY getting it. I love him. We will get through this. Please pray for him. He needs to break out of this depression so that he can discern the path of his future. Your prayers are appreciated....

Hoping!

Okay, I admit it -- I'm really happy about the election of Barak Obama. I hope his is who we want him to be; sometimes I think of him as a canvas on which we have painted our hopes. May he exceed all expectations. May he reach across the aisle as he has promised and be the pragmatist who gets things done. May the Democrats rise above the "we've got the power now!" mentality to be true statesmen.

Here is what I found shocking about this election. (Forgive the generalization that follows) The white people I know were not shocked to see an African American elected president in this lifetime. MANY of the African American people I know were STUNNED. "I did not think this would happen in my lifetime or that of my children.... maybe my grandkids, but I doubted it."

While I'm sad that this is how my friends felt, I'm glad that a new day of hope has dawned. Hate me for my naive idealism, but I'm going to be an optimist here until I'm given reason not to be. I'm praying on it all.... wouldn't it be great if this was the start of something wonderful? This was my first non Republican presidential vote.... I hope I was right! I think he was the better choice... we shall see. Please make me proud Mr. President Elect.

YAY! I get to VOTE!

I can not wait to get my sticker tomorrow! It is like the night before Christmas... the night before school started when you were young and still loved school.. it is like these things and so much more. No matter which candidate wins, we are in for much needed change. I'm excited about exercising my right to vote. I'm excited about going to the polls and doing my part to make a difference in my world. I LOVE VOTING!

My family comes from a town that says you should "Vote early and vote often!" I will twist that from the previously corrupt meaning to say it is important to vote when you are a young 18 and to continue to vote as often as you are legally given the opportunity. Whether it is a national election or just the small town mayor, your vote makes a difference!

I have always tried to take my kids with me to vote so that they see the importance and responsibility to exercise this right. I expect long lines tomorrow so I'm letting them off the hook this once. They have been watching me vote since before they knew their own names. I brought them in my arms, in the stroller, hand in hand. I brought them.

They are interested in the election this year and I'm glad. For my 11 and 12 year olds to care makes me happy. I think getting their interest young is the way to ensure they vote when they are older. I am one of those people. I put out my lawn signs and research the issues. I print my sample ballot and ponder the entire ballot -- I know where I stand on the proposals and today I made final decisions on the judges.

I LOVE VOTING!

I will bring a book and my Ipod tomorrow. I may even bring a lawn chair... (the chair is the only thing I'm undecided about right now!). I'm expecting long lines. Chair or no chair... I'm VOTING!

Please get out and vote. (Even if you are canceling out MY vote!). Let your voice be heard! Pray on it, think about it, do it!

Please make a big deal about it with your kids.

Please let them see how much you care (and if you don't care, pretend you do for heaven's sake!). You are their model - your example will imprint in their memories. Get excited about voting!

May your lines be short and your poll workers cheerful!

I can't wait to get my "I voted" sticker! Be sure to get yours too!

Zombies Attack

Okay, my brain is about to explode.

I have been out of town for JUST 2 days on business.... came back relaxed... and then all hell broke loose.

Hubby forgot to give Wonder Boy his meds yesterday... "Oops I forgot." Hello???? I jump through hoops to get the form filled out and medicine given to our son at school. I'm killing myself to get all the teachers to give us feedback on what they are seeing with how our son is responding to the medication. We have to monitor him closely in case adjustments are needed, and Hubby FORGETS to give it to him in the morning? He also forgot to fix the printer so Wonder Boy's homework wasn't printed for school yesterday off the computer... did hubby write the teacher a note or email it since he could not print it? NO. So now Wonder Boy has got a zero when he has been working so hard to bring his grade back up in Language Arts. This on top of the zero earlier this week when he forgot his homework at home --- 100% done, just forgot it. ZERO points out of 50.

Then I get the email from his teacher who thinks he doesn't care... so I talk to Wonder Boy and he is in tears because Dad didn't print it and he didn't know what to do. DAMMIT. My husband is sleep deprived too.... went for his sleep study last week. We are waiting for results and treatment plan. So, the pair of ZOMBIES are making me NUTS. Now I have so much anxiety from trying to keep both of them organized that I CAN NOT SLEEP!

I'd be more sympathetic with my husband if I hadn't already been down this road myself and SUCKED IT UP myself. I functioned when I was dead tired, it is what women do. I was waking hundreds of times and night and yet I STILL got the minimum done (my house was a mess, but things still got done). Sense of urgency people.... get one!!!!

So because Hubby doesn't print the damn homework Wonder Boy gives up (dad fell asleep on the couch and was basically non-responsive) and goes to bed (after calling me and me sending him to bed over the phone). Did he ever tell me about the printing problem? No. UGH!

Then Super Girl (12) communicates by screaming at people all evening yesterday. It is like she has PMS 24/7. She flies off the handle over NOTHING and EVERYTHING. Perhaps she doesn't like Wonder Boy getting attention? How old is she, like 2? I sent her to the damn corner.

My new rule for her is that if she is angry she must whisper -- her yelling makes me NUTS. So I yelled at her until she whispered back -- because I'm so effective that way. It is amazing how the little screamer didn't like being screamed at. Oh, get the point now do you? Yep, she suddenly got the picture on what it is like to be YELLED AT. WTF??? If she yells today I may have to shoot myself. Now I know what my mom meant when she told me I "Pushed her rage button." UGH!

Do you think my husband went and got me a bottle of wine or perhaps chocolate to make up for the nightmare I walked into yesterday? You know, the nightmare he had a big hand in creating since he didn't STEP UP while I was out of town for just 2 days? Do you think he could try and do SOMETHING to make up for taking the train off the track and not monitoring and handling the paperwork, medication, printing?

Does my husband do ANYTHING to try and make up for the shit storm that happened between 5 and 9pm?? Heck no, he is napping on the couch. I considered putting a pillow over his face. Then I remembered that I do think he is suffering from sleep apnea and lack of sleep too (it runs in his family big time). Two more weeks until he sees the specialist for the results of the sleep study -- may they form a decent treatment plan.

Living with zombies SUCKS. I fear I am becoming one of them....

Okay, I feel better now. Sometimes you just have to vent on your blog.

Amazing the google images you find when you look for zombies...

Sleep, Soccer, Middle School Dance, and more...

- Wonder Boy seems to be more alert with the new medication. I will try to banish from my mind the fears of narcolepsy. He has been suffering from EDS (excessive daytime sleepiness) despite improved sleep quality with the cpap machine for sleep apnea. As I explained here, he is starting on Ritalin. My husband had to take our son to that doctor appointment with the sleep specialist, but he swears to me that narcolepsy was never mentioned. Now, being the over analyzer that I am, I have begun to worry that the Ritalin is for narcolepsy instead of just EDS. But then again, Wonder Boy does not does and nap -- he just drags himself along like a little soldier. I will have to take him to the next appointment with a notebook full of questions. As of now (day 2) he appears more alert and cheerful without being hyper or scary. YAY for this!

- Super Girl's soccer season ended. She had fun and I behaved :-)

- Super Girl is doing better in school than Wonder Boy -- she had great conferences, I'm proud of her! What a difference from last year!

- Wonder Boy is bringing up his worst ever grades, what a relief!

- No word yet on my graduate school application.

- My sister is scheduled to deliver baby #2 in just 4 weeks -- YIPPEE!

- Hubby still is not certain which path to take for school -- nursing or teaching. I'd like him to teach because his is great with kids and so we can both be on the same schedule. He had been thinking of nursing prior to getting the current job (note I say job, not career gig). Praying for discernment for him... time to hitch it to the giddy up!!

- I've been traveling for work, my brother still can't drive. Wish he'd get his license back!!

- Halloween Dance at the Middle School: SUCCESS!! Both of my two liked their costumes (a huge feat since we pulled it together the night before and day of the dance!). Both had a great time with their friends! Both were asked to dance with a member of the opposite sex! Both didn't have to dance so close with that person or for too long so it wasn't creepy or icky. Wonder Boy is still basking in the glow of being asked to dance by the "cute girl from 5th hour who's name I don't know." I bet he learns her name on Monday!

- Mother inlaw is mad at me for skipping an event today. I wasn't up to it so I'm over it.

Life is good! Short post, but I'm worn out!

Pediatric Sleep Apnea & More

Okay, it is beyond pediatric sleep apnea now. Wonder Boy (his sidewalk chalk work in the photo above) has been on the CPAP machine (and compliant) for the better part of 2 months... We have been struggling with the sleep issue for a while now. He has gone along with us (kicking and screaming) and he is still really tired. The poor kid just drags. Picture Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. He has a heck of a time falling asleep and a HELL of a time getting up in the morning. He drags himself through most days and has become quite the absent minded professor. You would be absent minded too if you were not getting any restful sleep. I was a mess prior to getting diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea... I feel for him.

Unfortunately, Wonder Boy is special. His sleep apnea only kicks in during REM sleep and his body has compensated by reducing the amount of REM sleep he gets. Basically, his body won't let him get into much REM. REM sleep is your most restorative sleep. It is a wonder this kid is doing as well as he is... and this is his worst semester EVER. (I think the sleepiness is not helping with the absent minded professor thing he already had going... he does the work, then forgets to hand it in.)

So today Hubby took Wonder Boy back to the sleep specialist today for a heart to heart. We needed to get to the bottom of this so I made Hubby go. The truth is that I felt really guilty about how long it has taken to get Wonder Boy to use the CPAP, I felt too guilty to face the doctor since I'm the bad mom who missed the last appointment. Yep, I bit the bullet and let Hubby face the sleep specialist, I was too ashamed.

Well, apparently a small percentage of kids like Wonder Boy don't respond to CPAP treatment (you know, that sleep machine that helps you keep breathing). These kids are given Ritalin. RITALIN. Sure, that freaked me out. But, apparently Ritalin helps kids like Wonder Boy because it has an opposite affect than we would expect -- it wakes them up during the day when they need to be awake. He is going on a very small dose (7mg in the AM, 3mg in the afternoon). The hope is that Wonder Boy can function more normally day side, get physical activity going, wear himself out like a normal person, and then sleep better at night. Who knew Ritalin was used to treat narcolepsy? The wonder of the Internet never ceases... I don't think the sleep specialist mentioned NARCOLEPSY to my husband... it is unlikely in my professional medical opinion.. but I will do the next consult and find out if this is the diagnosis....

We start the medicine the day after tomorrow (big testing at school tomorrow, so we thought it better to start on a non-testing day). Please say some prayers for Wonder Boy. He has been less and less active these last 2-3 years... I know the sleep issues are part of it. He will have to change his ways and be more active. I will help him... I hope the medicine does too. Maybe he and I can lose our extra weight together. So pray for him please... that this is the answer. He deserves to feel rested and happy again... he has been such a trooper that it took us a while to figure out the problem. May this be our solution...

And now to change gears...... Here is the drive I took to cheer myself up and forget my worries:



Have I mentioned how much I love the fall?

Worry

My sister is 7 months pregnant and she is terrible for not turning on her cell phone. I would have thought having my niece almost a year and a half ago would have made her turn it on more. I would have thought she'd set up the voice mail, but she never did. She continued in her stubborn way to ignore the needs of anyone who wanted to get a hold of her. Even when the baby was with her husband, she did not turn on her phone. The other day, she learned why moms leave their phone on.

My sister stopped on the way home to visit with a friend. They were chatting and time got away from them. When my sister got home she found the note from her husband. He and the baby were at the hospital at (insert crossroads here). She tried to call his phone, not knowing what hospital he was talking about... the crossroads didn't make sense... she called, he didn't answer.

She called me in a panic. I told her to call their pediatrician (who had sent baby and dad to the hospital) to ask where she sent them. It was obvious to me that new dad must have been confused in the face of the crisis -- as would be perfectly understandable. I then told her I was on my way over and that I'd drive her. It was apparent to me that she was panicked and should not drive.

I arrived and she told me she'd drive. She's controlling that way, so I obliged her. It was an urgent care facility NOT a hospital. The baby had a fever and a rash from head to toe. She was having an allergic reaction. On the way I learned that she'd been on antibiotics for a week for an ear infection. I advised my sister that my niece might be having a reaction to the antibiotic and that she had a great pediatrician who errors on the side of caution. I was sure that they were being cautious and that baby was fine. My sister said she's heard her talking (okay, mainly babbling) when her hubby called. I reassured her that if the reaction was causing anaphalactic shock the her daughter would not be chatty. Sister was reassured.

We got there and all was fine. Baby was allergic to the antibiotic and the ear infection was causing the fever. They would get a new antibiotic and the rash would likely get worse before it got better. I went through an allergic reaction like this myself.... though I was the allergic person and it was penicillin. Oh, and I did end up having my airway close a bit... though the epinephrine shot really helped with that. This was one of my first brushes with death... I didn't go into details on the experience with my sister. I just was glad my niece was okay.

The pediatrician had sent them to the after hours Urgent Care because the regular office was closed and she knew the rash would get worse. Makes sense. Sister and I were able to share a laugh at how she is now gaining an understanding of what it is like to be a mom... she now has greater respect for what I went through on my many trips to the emergency room with Wonder Boy and Super Girl.

What bothered me more than anything about the incident the other night was our car ride over to the Urgent Care facility. My sister once again made me worry about her controlling husband. Is it another warning sign? She was worried about her daughter, but was better once she heard her voice. The other worry that hung over her was what her husband was going to say to her about having her phone off. "I'm going to be in trouble."

Hello? You are 41 years old. He is your husband. Trouble? She drops these comments sometimes that make me worry. She always had extremely strong views but she bows to his preferences and dictates. I worry.... sometimes it is the way she ways things, sometimes it is what she says.

I wanted to really like him. I had wanted us to double date. Hubby and I could never quite explain why it didn't work out that way.... we just are not comfortable with him. Funny how it was the same way with my best friend's husband and now they are locked in a horribly ugly divorce.... I hope things don't go that way for my sister... but then again.... Ugh. I hate worrying. My sister says things and then covers back up... I will pray... it is all I can do.

Anyway, for now my focus will return to relief that my niece is okay (the rash did get worse before better). The ear infection is clearing up too. Yay for modern medicine!

It is here....

Fall is here! I am so frustrated that I keep walking out my door without my camera! The leaves look painted, the forest is a patchwork, the beauty is in full swing! It especially cheers me on sunny days... "Look at that" and "Wow!" is all you hear me say as we drive down the road. Luckily my family tolerates me though they don't love the colors quite as much as I!

I have applied for graduate school. It appears that teaching jobs are still quite hard to come by... the stock market isn't helping any of those pondering retirement... So, my best course of action is to go on and get my masters degree. Hubby is still struggling between career decisions. The job he got this year (after 20 years in construction went down the drain) is not a career gig. It helps pay the bills, but it is not a career. I pray that he will make the decision soon. I know he will be happier when he is working toward a goal.

In the meantime, I am starting back for my masters because it will take two years minimum no matter when I start... so I might as well start NOW. I'm going for the media specialist position -- should I not be able to secure a teaching job I could at least be a librarian.
Old dogs can learn new tricks! Financially it is more than difficult, but if we keep marching forward I have to believe all will be well at some point! In the meantime I will buy a lotto ticket...